This essay uses the quote sandwich technique properly, ensuring each quote is set up with the proper context and explained further. I also feel as though this work is informative on Soylent, expressing its appeal in certain circumstances yet combatting the full integration of this food alternative. I was surprised by the integration of this student’s own work, as it is unique for an “academic” essay, but I found this aspect to be beneficial.
There are a few places I found that would be useful to show the reader rather than tell them. The writer rationalizes the social aspects of eating. Still, the reader desires a vision where only Soylent is consumed. Then, they can clarify why that would be a horrific reality. Similarly, the formatting could be reworked or tweaked in a few manners. Also along the lines of showing the reader evidence, John decides to tell the reader about a personal connection and – in fragments – likens his experience to those of the text by Widdicombe. Collecting these “fragments” feels like work for the reader when it shouldn’t. Here is where a Barclay outline can help construct the strongest point possible. Barclay is a formula meant to bring two works together to form a deeper understanding, and John here could benefit from this method to fortify his ideas and connect them to the literature. This strategy would fall under the regrouping or reformatting guides from our texts. If I were discussing this with the student, I would likely call attention to these areas where further analysis and readjustment may aid in creating a more cohesive essay.
The essay has no identifiable thesis outlining the primary points or topics. Each paragraph sways in whichever direction they seem to feel, which creates a lack of continuity for the reader. I would urge the writer to look into what they have written, summarize the main purpose of each paragraph, and write it down in a sentence. Once they collect their sentences, I would advise them to brainstorm connections between each of them to see where they may need to condense while highlighting the primary matters their essay discusses. From there, they may be able to create a sentence (or two) combining them all to begin generating a thesis.
Incorporating quotes into the introduction and the conclusion can become tricky in this format of writing. Where John does this in the intro, it is for summary purposes, which one could argue should potentially be moved, but I found minimal problem with it. In the conclusion, however, the quote felt misplaced, as with conclusions, a writer would want to avoid bringing in new information or ideas. The quote itself is insightful, but its placement can be confusing for the reader. I would suggest the writer relocate this quote where the discussion is able to continue, instead of in a place where further exploration is limited.
Overall, the essay captures important details and relays key messages about the food industry. The remaining work the writer would have to do is review, regroup, and revise their existing information.
Overall, I found that the pieces of the essay that could use another look are the introduction and the conclusion. The introduction opens up very vaguely, and the subject is not introduced until a few sentences in. The introduction leaves the reader having no idea where the essay is going to go, and there is no noticeable thesis. The thesis is the core to the structure of the rest of the paper, so without a thesis, it is hard to have a paper that makes structural sense structurally.
While the description of soylent shows that it is a full replacement for other food, I am left wondering what exactly it is. I think a description of the preparation process, and maybe some basic pricing and information as to who sells it and where it came from might be good to include.
While I think the paper is well written, I think that the structure could be improved. I feel as though the paper jumps around a lot, and going from paragraph to paragraph, there are no transitions. It is not clear whether this is an opinion/persuasive piece, or an informational piece, as both ideas are equally explored, but I think that a look into the original assignment, along with a reread of the paper’s structure, might be a good idea.
For the conclusion, the missing thesis makes the conclusion feel weak. There is no substance in the introduction for the conclusion to tie back into, making it hard for the conclusion to have any substance either. In this case, it really doesn’t, as it is just restating a few of the points made in the paper. Had these been highlighted as main points in the introduction, it would make more sense to come back to them in the conclusion, but they are not. I would suggest going back and reworking the introduction to accommodate this.
Overall, I think a read-aloud would do this student good. The ideas are there, and my favorite part is when he discusses his memories with his grandmother’s cookies. Including emotion makes the piece relatable, and I think that was a nice touch. Some of the organization and wording is a bit choppy, and I find that when I read my work aloud, I am able to catch these spots that sound just a little off.
Journal #2: In the essay, “Why Soylent is Not What it Seems”, I really liked the descriptions of the social and emotional importance of food to our society and to our culture that was demonstrated in this essay. I thought this part of the essay was very strong and impactful. However this argument wasn’t presented as clearly as it could have been, which detracted from the overall impact of the arguments in the body of the text. I think part of the problem was that this essay lacked a clear thesis, though I saw several arguments in the body of the text that could be used as a thesis if reorganized. Having a strong thesis would help in presenting the argument in a clearer way to the reader. Besides clarifying what the point is that the author wants to make, I also think it would really help to write meta commentary, a short summary of every paragraph and some notes on what the writer would like to add to make the essay more impactful. I think that would be really helpful here. After summarizing the different paragraphs, we could try writing those summaries down on note cards so that we could easily reorganize them. That would let us look at the essay and play around with which paragraphs best support each other, and how they add or detract to the story we are trying to tell with this essay. I would also like to talk a little bit about what the writer wants to say with this essay and how that relates to the prompt. I also think we could use a little more explanation on the front end of the essay. I think the first paragraph, since it lacks a clear thesis, could be made much stronger. We have a really strong start here however, and with some revision this will be a powerful piece of writing.
Knowing how to approach a piece of writing in order to achieve the goal of the piece is tricky. One must find a way to incorporate their voice with the intention of the piece in a structured and well-rounded manner, while also considering the basic expectations behind academic writing that contribute to a writer’s goal of eloquence. The student sample essay “Why Soylent is not What it Seems” does exceptionally well in some of these areas, as well as is in need of improvement in several other areas.
The student’s goal was to talk about the proposed solution to food and nutrition issues- Soylent- and to take a stance on the controversy on whether or not it should be implemented into the diet of the average person. The student thinks that it would be wrong to encourage people to shift their diets and lifestyles from being around food, to simply getting all their nutritional value from the product “Soylent”. Although the student’s argument was clear and identifiable, it was not so until the end of the project, because he did not synthesize his points and claims into a thesis statement. His statement that seemed to make the attempt to introduce his argument was “I believe going all in on a strictly Soylent diet is not the way to live our best lives, but rather moderately implementing for uses such as saving money, and in third world countries, could provide his benefit” (page 2). This is a solid argument- however, if this is meant to encapsulate the points with which he is going to support his claim, it is leaving out many of the key points of the piece. For one thing, he never further discusses the reasons for which people might want to partially integrate Soylent into their diet- to save money or in third world countries- which, if explained well, could make his argument much more convincing. He also uses many points that he did not introduce in order to support his argument, such as how the food industry creates jobs and the fact that food culture has deeper meaning than simply what we enjoy from the taste and the variety. These are all great points, but they are not what he talks about when he originally makes his claim, which makes the paper read as being scattered and incohesive. The first thing I would go over with the student would be how to write an opinion paper that has clear, defined points and is cohesive from beginning to end.
This exercise of grading a sample student essay made me realize how knit-picky I can be when it comes to writing. When the time comes when I have a student’s paper in front of me that I plan to work with, I need to be very intentional about only picking out a couple of the most important tips I can give the student to work with, as to not overwhelm them with criticism and to help them make progress without getting discouraged. Although I had a lot of problems with this student paper, he did a good job in many areas of the writing process. He introduced his topic in a clear and interesting way, while also being concise and getting straight to the point. He integrated quotes well and used them where they were supportive. These are aspects of the writing that I would use to affirm the student and help them to feel confident about the certain areas of their writing that they don’t need much improvement in. Then, I would feel comfortable enough to suggest some areas that need work, like using better sources to supplement their writing and what a good conclusion should look like.
Knowing how to approach a piece of writing in order to achieve the goal of the piece is tricky. One must find a way to incorporate their voice with the intention of the piece in a structured and well-rounded manner, while also considering the basic expectations behind academic writing that contribute to a writer’s goal of eloquence. The student sample essay “Why Soylent is not What it Seems” does exceptionally well in some of these areas, as well as is in need of improvement in several other areas.
The student’s goal was to talk about the proposed solution to food and nutrition issues- Soylent- and to take a stance on the controversy on whether or not it should be implemented into the diet of the average person. The student thinks that it would be wrong to encourage people to shift their diets and lifestyles from being around food, to simply getting all their nutritional value from the product “Soylent”. Although the student’s argument was clear and identifiable, it was not so until the end of the project, because he did not synthesize his points and claims into a thesis statement. His statement that seemed to make the attempt to introduce his argument was “I believe going all in on a strictly Soylent diet is not the way to live our best lives, but rather moderately implementing for uses such as saving money, and in third world countries, could provide his benefit” (page 2). This is a solid argument- however, if this is meant to encapsulate the points with which he is going to support his claim, it is leaving out many of the key points of the piece. For one thing, he never further discusses the reasons for which people might want to partially integrate Soylent into their diet- to save money or in third world countries- which, if explained well, could make his argument much more convincing. He also uses many points that he did not introduce in order to support his argument, such as how the food industry creates jobs and the fact that food culture has deeper meaning than simply what we enjoy from the taste and the variety. These are all great points, but they are not what he talks about when he originally makes his claim, which makes the paper read as being scattered and incohesive. The first thing I would go over with the student would be how to write an opinion paper that has clear, defined points and is cohesive from beginning to end.
This exercise of grading a sample student essay made me realize how knit-picky I can be when it comes to writing. When the time comes when I have a student’s paper in front of me that I plan to work with, I need to be very intentional about only picking out a couple of the most important tips I can give the student to work with, as to not overwhelm them with criticism and to help them make progress without getting discouraged. Although I had a lot of problems with this student paper, he did a good job in many areas of the writing process. He introduced his topic in a clear and interesting way, while also being concise and getting straight to the point. He integrated quotes well and used them where they were supportive. These are aspects of the writing that I would use to affirm the student and help them to feel confident about the certain areas of their writing that they don’t need much improvement in. Then, I would feel comfortable enough to suggest some areas that need work, like using better sources to supplement their writing and what a good conclusion should look like.
5 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 2”
This essay uses the quote sandwich technique properly, ensuring each quote is set up with the proper context and explained further. I also feel as though this work is informative on Soylent, expressing its appeal in certain circumstances yet combatting the full integration of this food alternative. I was surprised by the integration of this student’s own work, as it is unique for an “academic” essay, but I found this aspect to be beneficial.
There are a few places I found that would be useful to show the reader rather than tell them. The writer rationalizes the social aspects of eating. Still, the reader desires a vision where only Soylent is consumed. Then, they can clarify why that would be a horrific reality. Similarly, the formatting could be reworked or tweaked in a few manners. Also along the lines of showing the reader evidence, John decides to tell the reader about a personal connection and – in fragments – likens his experience to those of the text by Widdicombe. Collecting these “fragments” feels like work for the reader when it shouldn’t. Here is where a Barclay outline can help construct the strongest point possible. Barclay is a formula meant to bring two works together to form a deeper understanding, and John here could benefit from this method to fortify his ideas and connect them to the literature. This strategy would fall under the regrouping or reformatting guides from our texts. If I were discussing this with the student, I would likely call attention to these areas where further analysis and readjustment may aid in creating a more cohesive essay.
The essay has no identifiable thesis outlining the primary points or topics. Each paragraph sways in whichever direction they seem to feel, which creates a lack of continuity for the reader. I would urge the writer to look into what they have written, summarize the main purpose of each paragraph, and write it down in a sentence. Once they collect their sentences, I would advise them to brainstorm connections between each of them to see where they may need to condense while highlighting the primary matters their essay discusses. From there, they may be able to create a sentence (or two) combining them all to begin generating a thesis.
Incorporating quotes into the introduction and the conclusion can become tricky in this format of writing. Where John does this in the intro, it is for summary purposes, which one could argue should potentially be moved, but I found minimal problem with it. In the conclusion, however, the quote felt misplaced, as with conclusions, a writer would want to avoid bringing in new information or ideas. The quote itself is insightful, but its placement can be confusing for the reader. I would suggest the writer relocate this quote where the discussion is able to continue, instead of in a place where further exploration is limited.
Overall, the essay captures important details and relays key messages about the food industry. The remaining work the writer would have to do is review, regroup, and revise their existing information.
Overall, I found that the pieces of the essay that could use another look are the introduction and the conclusion. The introduction opens up very vaguely, and the subject is not introduced until a few sentences in. The introduction leaves the reader having no idea where the essay is going to go, and there is no noticeable thesis. The thesis is the core to the structure of the rest of the paper, so without a thesis, it is hard to have a paper that makes structural sense structurally.
While the description of soylent shows that it is a full replacement for other food, I am left wondering what exactly it is. I think a description of the preparation process, and maybe some basic pricing and information as to who sells it and where it came from might be good to include.
While I think the paper is well written, I think that the structure could be improved. I feel as though the paper jumps around a lot, and going from paragraph to paragraph, there are no transitions. It is not clear whether this is an opinion/persuasive piece, or an informational piece, as both ideas are equally explored, but I think that a look into the original assignment, along with a reread of the paper’s structure, might be a good idea.
For the conclusion, the missing thesis makes the conclusion feel weak. There is no substance in the introduction for the conclusion to tie back into, making it hard for the conclusion to have any substance either. In this case, it really doesn’t, as it is just restating a few of the points made in the paper. Had these been highlighted as main points in the introduction, it would make more sense to come back to them in the conclusion, but they are not. I would suggest going back and reworking the introduction to accommodate this.
Overall, I think a read-aloud would do this student good. The ideas are there, and my favorite part is when he discusses his memories with his grandmother’s cookies. Including emotion makes the piece relatable, and I think that was a nice touch. Some of the organization and wording is a bit choppy, and I find that when I read my work aloud, I am able to catch these spots that sound just a little off.
Journal #2: In the essay, “Why Soylent is Not What it Seems”, I really liked the descriptions of the social and emotional importance of food to our society and to our culture that was demonstrated in this essay. I thought this part of the essay was very strong and impactful. However this argument wasn’t presented as clearly as it could have been, which detracted from the overall impact of the arguments in the body of the text. I think part of the problem was that this essay lacked a clear thesis, though I saw several arguments in the body of the text that could be used as a thesis if reorganized. Having a strong thesis would help in presenting the argument in a clearer way to the reader. Besides clarifying what the point is that the author wants to make, I also think it would really help to write meta commentary, a short summary of every paragraph and some notes on what the writer would like to add to make the essay more impactful. I think that would be really helpful here. After summarizing the different paragraphs, we could try writing those summaries down on note cards so that we could easily reorganize them. That would let us look at the essay and play around with which paragraphs best support each other, and how they add or detract to the story we are trying to tell with this essay. I would also like to talk a little bit about what the writer wants to say with this essay and how that relates to the prompt. I also think we could use a little more explanation on the front end of the essay. I think the first paragraph, since it lacks a clear thesis, could be made much stronger. We have a really strong start here however, and with some revision this will be a powerful piece of writing.
Knowing how to approach a piece of writing in order to achieve the goal of the piece is tricky. One must find a way to incorporate their voice with the intention of the piece in a structured and well-rounded manner, while also considering the basic expectations behind academic writing that contribute to a writer’s goal of eloquence. The student sample essay “Why Soylent is not What it Seems” does exceptionally well in some of these areas, as well as is in need of improvement in several other areas.
The student’s goal was to talk about the proposed solution to food and nutrition issues- Soylent- and to take a stance on the controversy on whether or not it should be implemented into the diet of the average person. The student thinks that it would be wrong to encourage people to shift their diets and lifestyles from being around food, to simply getting all their nutritional value from the product “Soylent”. Although the student’s argument was clear and identifiable, it was not so until the end of the project, because he did not synthesize his points and claims into a thesis statement. His statement that seemed to make the attempt to introduce his argument was “I believe going all in on a strictly Soylent diet is not the way to live our best lives, but rather moderately implementing for uses such as saving money, and in third world countries, could provide his benefit” (page 2). This is a solid argument- however, if this is meant to encapsulate the points with which he is going to support his claim, it is leaving out many of the key points of the piece. For one thing, he never further discusses the reasons for which people might want to partially integrate Soylent into their diet- to save money or in third world countries- which, if explained well, could make his argument much more convincing. He also uses many points that he did not introduce in order to support his argument, such as how the food industry creates jobs and the fact that food culture has deeper meaning than simply what we enjoy from the taste and the variety. These are all great points, but they are not what he talks about when he originally makes his claim, which makes the paper read as being scattered and incohesive. The first thing I would go over with the student would be how to write an opinion paper that has clear, defined points and is cohesive from beginning to end.
This exercise of grading a sample student essay made me realize how knit-picky I can be when it comes to writing. When the time comes when I have a student’s paper in front of me that I plan to work with, I need to be very intentional about only picking out a couple of the most important tips I can give the student to work with, as to not overwhelm them with criticism and to help them make progress without getting discouraged. Although I had a lot of problems with this student paper, he did a good job in many areas of the writing process. He introduced his topic in a clear and interesting way, while also being concise and getting straight to the point. He integrated quotes well and used them where they were supportive. These are aspects of the writing that I would use to affirm the student and help them to feel confident about the certain areas of their writing that they don’t need much improvement in. Then, I would feel comfortable enough to suggest some areas that need work, like using better sources to supplement their writing and what a good conclusion should look like.
Knowing how to approach a piece of writing in order to achieve the goal of the piece is tricky. One must find a way to incorporate their voice with the intention of the piece in a structured and well-rounded manner, while also considering the basic expectations behind academic writing that contribute to a writer’s goal of eloquence. The student sample essay “Why Soylent is not What it Seems” does exceptionally well in some of these areas, as well as is in need of improvement in several other areas.
The student’s goal was to talk about the proposed solution to food and nutrition issues- Soylent- and to take a stance on the controversy on whether or not it should be implemented into the diet of the average person. The student thinks that it would be wrong to encourage people to shift their diets and lifestyles from being around food, to simply getting all their nutritional value from the product “Soylent”. Although the student’s argument was clear and identifiable, it was not so until the end of the project, because he did not synthesize his points and claims into a thesis statement. His statement that seemed to make the attempt to introduce his argument was “I believe going all in on a strictly Soylent diet is not the way to live our best lives, but rather moderately implementing for uses such as saving money, and in third world countries, could provide his benefit” (page 2). This is a solid argument- however, if this is meant to encapsulate the points with which he is going to support his claim, it is leaving out many of the key points of the piece. For one thing, he never further discusses the reasons for which people might want to partially integrate Soylent into their diet- to save money or in third world countries- which, if explained well, could make his argument much more convincing. He also uses many points that he did not introduce in order to support his argument, such as how the food industry creates jobs and the fact that food culture has deeper meaning than simply what we enjoy from the taste and the variety. These are all great points, but they are not what he talks about when he originally makes his claim, which makes the paper read as being scattered and incohesive. The first thing I would go over with the student would be how to write an opinion paper that has clear, defined points and is cohesive from beginning to end.
This exercise of grading a sample student essay made me realize how knit-picky I can be when it comes to writing. When the time comes when I have a student’s paper in front of me that I plan to work with, I need to be very intentional about only picking out a couple of the most important tips I can give the student to work with, as to not overwhelm them with criticism and to help them make progress without getting discouraged. Although I had a lot of problems with this student paper, he did a good job in many areas of the writing process. He introduced his topic in a clear and interesting way, while also being concise and getting straight to the point. He integrated quotes well and used them where they were supportive. These are aspects of the writing that I would use to affirm the student and help them to feel confident about the certain areas of their writing that they don’t need much improvement in. Then, I would feel comfortable enough to suggest some areas that need work, like using better sources to supplement their writing and what a good conclusion should look like.